The importance of sexual consent. You’ve heard it all before, right? “You need to get a yes,” “No means no.” How can it be any more complicated than a one-word answer? Spoiler alert: although consent is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer at its core, it’s a lot more nuanced than you may think. In this article we highlight some of the most common myths around sex and consent – encouraging everyone to think carefully and give sexual consent the serious attention it deserves.

Q: Does consent apply to all genders?

A: Yes. Whilst a lot of conversations in the media focus around consent in relation to women, absolutely anybody can be affected by people failing to get consent and recognise boundaries. According to a study by ONS in 2023, 1 in 18 men in the UK have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult, whilst according to a survey by Galop in 2022, 49% of LGBTQ+ respondents stated that their experiences with sexual violence were linked to/due to their gender identity and/or sexuality.

Q: Does consent only matter when it comes to sex, or do things like flirting and kissing also count?

A: Sexual consent applies to anything that involves someone’s personal space or boundaries. This absolutely includes flirting and kissing. Be sure to tune in to another person’s cues, even if all you’re doing is chatting to them. If you are flirting with someone who is avoiding eye contact, displaying closed body language, or trying to move away and end the conversation, get the hint, and leave them alone.

You don’t have to be acting in an aggressive or overbearing way for your actions to count as harassment - and excuses like “I thought they were just playing hard to get” or “it was only a bit of banter” won’t help you. If you’re really not sure where you stand with someone… just ask and respect the answer that’s given. It may not seem like the smoothest or coolest thing to do, but it’s much better to be clear what the other person wants rather than putting them in a situation where they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Similarly, if things are going well, don’t just assume that one interaction will automatically lead to another. For example, consenting to kissing doesn’t mean consenting to anything else. be sure to ask before progressing things further and keep checking in regularly to make sure that all involved are still having a great time.

Q: They said they wanted to have sex with me whilst we were on a night out - this means I don’t have to ask them again when we get back to my place, right?  

A: Wrong! A lot can change in between the club or bar and your room. It’s important to check for consent regularly – especially if you’ve gone from a public place to a private one. Talking to someone while you’re with a group of friends can feel quite different to talking to them alone for example. As time passes, it’s important to make sure that the other person is still enthusiastically and clearly consenting, and still up for getting down.

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for a while now and we have sex regularly, does this mean my partner is automatically consenting?

A: No, not at all. If you have a long-term partner (or you’re simply having sex with someone that you’ve had sex with before), you should still ask whether they consent. You might be more familiar with each other and know the other person’s boundaries better than a stranger’s, but that doesn’t give you the automatic right to each other’s bodies without checking first.

Being married or in a long-term relationship does not mean anyone should be expected to have sex if they don’t want to. Good communication is what makes a great relationship - this includes sexual consent!

Q: Do clear signs of physical arousal count as consent?  

A: No. Physical reactions such as getting an erection or a vagina getting wet do not mean that a person is consenting to sex. Physical arousal is simply the body’s natural reaction to touch and attraction, and the various chemical and hormonal changes that come with it. It doesn’t always represent what someone is really thinking and feeling. Be sure to check in with their mind as well as their body.

Q: I’m having sex with someone, and they haven’t verbally told me that they want to stop and haven’t said ‘no’ at any point. Does that mean they’re giving me their consent?

A: No. Consent can be shown verbally or nonverbally. Even if you got a verbal “yes” when you first started, if during sex your partner is tensing up, turning their face or body away from you, staying silent, flinching, or laying completely still…it’s likely that they are no longer consenting, and you need to stop and check in with them. Consent needs to be an enthusiastic “yes,” anything that isn’t is not consent.

Q: How does consent work if one or both of us are under the influence of alcohol or drugs?

A: According to the Sexual Offenses Act (2003), a person is only consenting to sexual activity if 1. They agree by choice (i.e., they are not forced into agreeing to it) and 2. They have both the capacity and freedom to make that choice. A person who is under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs is not considered to have the ‘capacity’ to consent – so even if someone is drunk and they do say yes to sex with you, they aren’t legally considered to have consented, and you could still get in trouble if they file a report. Ultimately, if you do choose to have sex while drunk or high, be aware that it can make it harder to tell whether one or both parties are consenting and can add an extra layer of complication. If you’re not sure, don’t do it!

To Conclude…

If you have been affected by any of the topics raised in this article, or would simply like to find out more, take a look at Your Advice Service’s sexual health pages. Here you can find out in more detail about consent, how to maintain good sexual wellbeing, and services available to help with harassment, sexual violence and misconduct, and information for alleged perpetrators.